Balance

Everything is a balance...that is what my sister and I came up with as we were "venting" to eachother about things going on in our own lives.
How true is it though. Everything in life has to be a balance or its "off".

Relationships,work,time,diet...all NEED BALANCE.

This weekend was my mothers 50th birthday party and we did a mock funeral! I will post pictures on here so you can see them. Nehow...I was all excited about my outfit I had bought special for the event. Put it on and felt pretty. Felt like...man I look good;) THEN...as I was greeting guests and getting myself a glass of wine I overheard a man say..."all the girls look alike but Kim is the B I G one!"

Honestly, I was totally shocked to hear a man that I do not know from "bob" on the street say something so hurtful. I knew the tears were about to come pouring out so I quickly grabbed my husband to go to the bathroom with me to talk it out. In that moment, I was totally overwhelmed and absolutely broken. Trying to figure out what does it matter to that guy? Does he know what is going on in my life? Who the hell does he think he is? As I cried and Josh comforted me, he said you are beautiful and don't listen to him. Do I want to believe what my husband says to me and whip my eyes dry...YES but I couldn't let it go. It was yet another "TAPE" in my head that I know will go over and over in my mind.

IT's all a Balance.

As the night went on my guard was up. Never went down. I sat the rest of the night talking with my sister and niece. I hate that. I hate that I let a man who I do not know control the rest of the evening.

You hear...Pictures don't lie. Well...they dont. really dont. I saw a picture of myself from the funeral/party and I about threw up in my mouth. It's sad to me to think you can have so much dislike for what God has made. It makes me wonder what is important to me. I am told you are so funny, you have a great heart, your wonderful..why isn't that enough for me? Why is it I am focused on my outward appearance when honestly it could all be taken away from me like THAT. My sister and I sat and talked this morning about the same thing. Why do we worry about things that ultimately DO NOT MATTER.

Balance...its all a balance.

So...this morning I was B R A V E. I stepped on the scale and I know the exact amount I weight and its horrifying to me. Am I going to share it with you...NO bc I dont want that number to matter. I want my heart to matter.

Driving back to TN with josh today we talked about my game plan on what I am going to do. I still am not sure what I am going to do. We talked about meal plans, not bringing in the 100 calorie packs, doing stuff to keep me busy, etc. Then the talk about us still trying to have a child came up. I am so sickened to say that I said I might want to stop trying to have a child until I get all this weight off. I hate that because the thing I want MOST in the world or so i thought was to bring a child into the world that josh and i have made out of love.

I honestly cannot keep my emotions in check. the tears are in my eyes as i write these words. questions are all over my mind as to how am i ever going to achieve this? What if i never get to my ideal weight?

BALANCE...its all a balance.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the joy of life. thank you for allowing me to live for 24 years...healthy. thank you for bringing Josh into my life and for his kind spirit that comforts me that perfect way. thank you for the future and for the ability to make changes.
I am hurting and I am lost. I am needing you guidance and love. I need to know it's all going to be okay. Jesus, I need your strength and energy to get my through today.

I am going to have to take all of this minute by minute and some days second by second but I have to do this.


Onto tomorrow's GAME plan:)
Going grocery shopping for Josh and I
Wii Fit TIME! Only options I have in the hotel!

Biggest key for my right now is keeping myself busy and eatting smaller portions 5 times a day. Not allowing myself to get to the "starving" point where I will overeat.

Until tomorrow, goodnight all!